I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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