Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
