I am in a vortex of obligation.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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