My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
