I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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