sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize