Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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