you would pick up someone in the library
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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