I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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