nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
