Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
