I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize