I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
