By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
