I met the friendliest cop last night
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
