so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
