Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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