she was so not down for the gang bang
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
