It was confusing and full of hummus
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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