Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
