I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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