Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
