Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
