Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
