I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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