he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
