I looked at my own cervix.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
