Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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