well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
