I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
There r osticjed everywhere
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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