i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Found the puke drawer
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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