I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I wish you could order shots online.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
