well I can't set my house on fire every night
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
