Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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