that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
