I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
