i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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