My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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