I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
