just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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