shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
