Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
