I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
