He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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