My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize