ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
