I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize