The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
