I could have mohawked her pubes.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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