our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I think I just sharted jello shots
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
