Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
