Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
