Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
