Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
