after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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